If I Weep

Today is the 10th anniversary of my Mom's death. We say things like "passing away" or "going home" to make it sound better, but death is death and it really sucks. Not for Mom of course. Right now, at this very moment, she is in the presence of her God with no more tears or pain. It sucks for me, it sucks for my family, it is awful for my dad, and it really really stinks that so many people never got to meet her. 

I genuinely feel badly for those people who never got to meet my mom. I know what an incredible person she was, and still is, and what a loss it was when she died. 

I sometimes picture her talking with my mother-in-law Sheri and chuckle. Those two could talk it up for hours. We would probably let them start and have to get out of the way, maybe they would notice if we all left the room....maybe. 

I think of Walker and Jonathan, my newest brother-in-laws who never got to meet her, I can guarantee they would love her. She was a little crazy so she would get along great with Walker, and she would love to see how Jonathan cares for her daughter, Gabrielle. 

Nieces and nephews, an entire church family and amazing friends in Illinois who have never been blessed by her laugh. 

I try to be selfless in this, but to be honest, I feel worst for myself. I didn't get to have my mother at my wedding, I never got to see Sommer meet Mom for the first time, see Mom and Dad walking hand-in-hand one last time.

One day. I know. One day. But it feels so far away sometimes. 

I love to tell Sommer stories about my Mom, she says my eyes light up when I talk about her. I love remembering when she would pick us up from school in that beat up old station wagon...decorated with streamers and balloons. She wanted to have a party so she decided to have one. 

The marshmallow fights, corn on the cob duels that raged through the house, the indoor water gun battles - all these she either instigated or allowed....mostly when Dad was out of course. 

She injured herself climbing trees barefoot, stepping on metal croquet spikes, and other crazy ways of hurting yourself.

She was so proud of us kids. So proud. She loved Dad so much. 

A few days after Mom died I was in a Country Fair and some guy was talking about his wife in not a good way. I wanted to punch him.

One of the things I'm so happy about is that the last time I spoke to her I told her I loved her. It was on the phone less than 24 hours before she would die. I tell so many people I love them now, they need to hear it and you might never have that chance again. 

The last place I saw her was in New Jersey at Grandpa's house. That is something that makes me think...New Jersey? Really? But Grandpa's house is definitely a place of happiness so that is ok. 

At her funeral I read the lyrics from a POD song, Full Color. I told a funny story to start off then I started reading. I was crying before I finished the first line.

 I cry why O' why did my mommy have to die?

Too many questions, no answers confuses my mind
Like what did I do, what did she do, who's to blame
No one understands what I'm going through
So how can I trust what I can't touch and can't see
Believe in love and she's in front of me
Silence in your eyes, my heart so cold
No time for goodbyes, then you leave me alone

So what do I do accept it and carry on?
Or release my anger, until it's gone
Show you and this world exactly how I feel, death in full color
It's never been so real, It's been me and you, It's always been me and you
No matter what we faced, we always made it through
Get out of this dream, do what I gotta do
No one can take your place and I don't want them to
If I could take your place, I would, I would take your pain
Just to see you smile and say my name,
Just to hear you laugh and hear you cry
I don't understand, I don't know why

I've never been it this state of mind, life just don't make sense
With you I could move mountains, right now I'm helpless
I guess, you always knew what was best
Believed in your God, til the very last breath
You showed me how strong you can be
If Jesus saved your life, could he do it for me?
I'll lay down my life for you and for Him
Believe God's promise, I'm gonna see you again

Lord here I am, but I am no one, Believe in Your name
Believe in your Son, if you meet me here I will wait on you
Sacrifice and serve, do what you want me to
I'll take it day by day, and sit at your feet
You are strong when I am weak
I seek to keep from going under
Until I hold you again, I'll always wonder

Oh God,

Why did my mommy have to Die?

When I was done I could barely see. I grabbed at my papers and managed to snag them. I turned, wondering how I would navigate the steps. Suddenly Dad was there holding me. He is always there, by the way. I am so blessed. So  blessed. 

He held me, in front of all those people as I sobbed. I didn't care who saw. I let out all my grief in that moment. 

I read once that joy when shared is multiplied and increased, and sorrow, when shared, is divided and diminished. I truly believe that. 

I remember standing with Dad and Seth at the church entrance greeting all the people coming in for the funeral. Dad offering comfort and encouragement to all coming in. Mario Gatti started sobbing and Dad went and consoled him. 

Denise Fair started playing "If I Stand" by Rich Mullins.  Mom always loved Rich Mullins. Reality hit once again. Dad started crying. It was time to sit down. No more comfort could he give, it was time to receive. Until, of course, his children needed him. I am so so blessed. 

I miss my Mom. I really do. Sometimes I miss her so much that it hurts. There is a hole in my life that will never be filled here on earth.

But.....

One day......one day......

The Proposal

Sommer had bronchitis the day I proposed to her.  She didn’t know it at the time, just knew that she felt terrible.  So terrible that we almost postponed the trip.

 I think that is the best way to start this last chapter of our magical tale of love. 

So I had the ring, I had Sommer thinking I was going to propose in January, I had the trip, I had the place….or did I?  I was thinking of proposing at the observation deck in the Willis (formerly Sears) Tower.  A couple days before the trip I was looking at the Willis Tower website and decided that the observation deck was not so much romantic like Sleepless in Seattle but more like proposing in the middle of a Disney parade with screaming (and possibly vomiting) children all around.

I needed another place.  So I got to work Googling….

 “Top Places to Propose in Chicago.”

 Or something like that.  I just Googled that phrase and the website I had found last December didn’t show up, maybe I dreamed it.

Anyways….one of the top places was Willis Tower.  Apparently people like hordes of people around.  Another places was Buckingham Fountain.  A giant beautiful fountain near the lake.  When I checked out where exactly it was I discovered it was a 10 minute walk from Shedd Aquarium where we were going to be.

Score.

The website even talked about how beautiful the fountain was in the winter.  And at night they lit it up!  Perfect!

I had found my spot.

 

The Day Of

 

We decided to ride the train into Chicago and avoid the hassle (and cost) of parking.  This was a good idea, riding the train with Sommer was a very relaxing and fun time…for the most part.  The ring was in its box in my front coat pocket.  I assumed that every woman had a sixth sense and any time Sommer would brush against the front of my coat she would feel the ring box and know I was about to propose.  Fortunately for me, she lacked this ring sense….or maybe the bronchitis covered it up.

I was texting with my friend Cameron (see what I did there Cameron?) who knew the whole plan.  At one point, when Sommer and I were looking at Google Maps on my iPhone, a text from Cameron popped up, “Nervous?”

One word can ruin everything.

 

Sommer looked at the message, then looked at me blankly, “What would we be nervous about?”

 Bronchitis getting in the way again.

I made some joke then hurriedly texted back that Sommer could see my phone.  Cameron was good the rest of the day.

From Union Station in Chicago we caught a bus to Shedd Aquarium, where we then proceeded to stand in line, in the 13ish degree weather, for an hour and a half…..did I mention Sommer had bronchitis?

Shedd Aquarium was cool, but not worth an hour and a half wait, and definitely not worth freezing the entire hour and a half.  It was such a relief to get inside.

And the jellyfish exhibit was cool.

Whateves, yo....on to the good stuff!

Sommer and I had brought warmer clothes to wear when we walked around Chicago after leaving Shedd.  Sommer took a little longer to get changed and while I stood outside the restroom waiting for her, the realization that I was really and truly about to propose hit me.

My heart started pounding

Nerves came and went

Time slowed to a crawl

I texted Adiel...maybe Justin....then, I think, Cameron..... possibly Gabrielle....maybe not even in that order...letting them know that the moment was fast approaching.  My memory is pretty hazy.  I might have just been Googling their names instead of texting.

Sommer came out, blissfully unaware that I was a complete wreck at this point, and off we went.

 
Side Note: If you are wondering why I didn't text YOU when I was texting others, the answer is that they had texted me throughout the day with cryptic messages letting me know that they were excited for me.  Also, my brain was a scrambled mess so I'm sorry that I didn't text you, Great-Aunt-Thrice-Removed Martha.

The walk along Lake Michigan is a beautiful walk I’m sure, I just don’t remember it.  I do remember Sommer needing me to slow down at one point because I was walking too fast for her, which has never happened before nor will happen again most likely.

I was tracking our progress on Google Maps and we arrived at the park, or what I thought was the park.  Where the giant beautiful fountain should be had been replaced with some pathetic looking shrubs….

 

....or at least I thought so until I realized that the fountain was one more block north.

Off we went!  I could see that the fountain plaza was raised up.  You had to walk up some steps to get up to the plaza to see the fountain, but as we approached dread started to fill me.  I didn’t see any lights.  I kept hoping that I was just missing something, that nothing was wrong, but then we reached the top step.  The fountain lay before us in all its majestic beauty…

 
Totally dry.

Bone frickin' dry.

 

No lights, no nothing.

 

Tumbleweed blew through the fountain and plaza.

Just some bum wandering around looking for, I assume, meth....maybe food, but definitely meth....ok, maybe he wasn't a bum, and he was like a mile away, but the story sounds better if he was a meth addicted bum.  He was probably a pastor searching for homeless people to get to his shelter so they could have a warm place to sleep and a good meal....or a meth-head, nothing in between, that much is certain.

We walked up to the railing, one that was thankfully tall enough to protect us from falling in and drowning in the dry fountain.  My heart pounding like I had just run a 10 mile race.  I looked around.  The Chicago skyline was on two sides, the lake on the east, the bum/pastor was far away, no one was around, this was as good as I was going to get, I needed to ask.  I couldn't hold it in for another 10 minutes much less another week or two.

Sommer, trying to lighten the mood, made water motions with her hands and said “swoosh!!” as if the fountain had just started up.  I laughed, glad to find that my vocal cords were still working.

I used her mood lightening moment to snatch my glove off of my left hand and place my hand in my pocket, clutching the ring box, practicing opening and closing it, making sure that it was facing the right way.

“Did I ever tell you the story about my mother and grandmother?” I began.  And with that I launched into the tale of the ring, be careful to call it a piece of jewelry.  I waxed on eloquently about how much my mother loved that (piece of jewelry) because grandma had given it to her.

I paused

 “The jewelry was actually a ring," I paused and let that linger in the air, "and I have it here with me….”

 

I turned Sommer toward me, realization dawning in her eyes.

 

I opened the ring box as I went to one knee, her eyes lighting up

 

“…..and I would be honored if you would marry me.”

 

She nodded, let out a happy "yes!" then began to cry.

 

It was a beautiful moment, one I will never forget.

 

Then she said, between tears, “But it isn’t January!”

 

 

In two weeks (from the writing of this post) I will watch in wonder as my beloved (and hot) Sommer walks down the aisle towards me.  I have no idea what God has in store for us, but I know that we will both work hard to have an amazing marriage, one that honors God and makes others envious…

 

Yep, I went there.

 

I love you, Sommer!  It could only have been someone as amazingly special as you to get into my heart so quickly and cut through the fear that I had wrapped around me to try to protect myself.  I have no idea what life looks like anymore without you as a part of it.....and I don’t even want to try.

The Engagement - Part 2

Sommer is not a fan of surprises.  Big surprises I should say.  Little ones like your awesome fiance having a dozen roses delivered to you at work is a wonderful thing, being asked out of the blue to marry said guy would be too much.

Side thought, can't we petition someone to remove that stupid first "r" in "surprises?  Who actually uses it?  Worthless "r"....

I knew that I had to let her know my intentions ahead of time, so at some point in November I told her that I was going to propose in January.  Putting all my cards out on the table.  I also told Sommer that I wouldn't go into debt to buy a ring.  I'm an awesome guy, but not dumb.

I then started trying to save up for a ring.  About this time in my life I was getting hit with surprise expense after surprise expense so when my sister Adiel called me out of the blue about a ring she had that she thought would be great for Sommer I was pretty excited.

The Ring

Mom had owned the ring.  She wore it all the time, in fact, the only picture of Mom and my niece Lily together that we have you can see Mom wearing the ring.

It had been an engagement ring before, my Grandmother (on my Dad's side) had given it to my mother as a sign of love and affection.  Now my Grandmother and Mother loved each other very much, but they could butt heads at time, so Mom treasured this ring.

At one point, a few years after grandma had died, someone asked Mom if she was going to get the ring insured and she said she wasn't because it would be impossible to replace.

So this was the ring Adiel wanted me to use.  She Fedexed the ring to me and I said yes....to using it.

Sommer and I had planned a trip to Chicago on December 28th, just a day trip to have fun and I thought that it would be the perfect time to propose.....and it was.....

Mostly.

Part three coming soon!

The Engagement - Part 1

So trying to write a blog with a full time job, fiance (how do I get the stupid line over the "e" to show up?), and a wedding to plan, all while during tax season might not have been the brightest thing I have tried to do.

So I'm going to jump to the good part.

You peoples want the engagement story, I know you do.  So that is what I'm going to give you.

Here is the timeline of our relationship, at least from the outside looking in:

August

 - Meet

 September

 - Get to know each other

October

 - Take things slow

November

 - Profess Love
 - Tell Sommer that I will propose to her
 - Get Sommer's ring size

Errr....what?  What happened in November?

I could be wrong, but I suspect that Sommer and I actually fell in love pretty early on but we both wanted to protect ourselves, and go so slow, that we denied it till November.  When I said the words "I love you" it was like a dam of fear broke and we knew that we truly were meant to be together.

When I first told Sommer those three little words I was scared, but I needed to tell her.  I needed to not let fear get in the way of what could be a beautiful and amazing relationship.  So I told her that I loved her and that I wasn't expecting her to say it back.  I knew she would need time to process.  I also said that I wouldn't badger her to force a response.

Fast forward all of three days.  I told her, as I was leaving one night, that I loved her and that it was ok that she couldn't say it back because I knew she loved me.  Arrogance?  Maybe.  But I knew it.  I could see it in the way she looked at me and in the way she talked to me and treated me.

She knew it too, but was scared like I was.

The next day she told me that she loved me.

Two weeks later we were getting her ring size......in Hoopeston of all places.  Now there is a memory....

To be continued.....for realz....

October

Sorry it has taken so long to get this post written.  Between taxes, wedding prep, pre-marital counseling, etc. life has been crazy!  Also, there were not really any huge moments in October.  I keep trying to write some funny and grandiose blog post, but all I got in October is helping out with a youth group Halloween deal and getting sick...I think.

Let's talk Halloween.

Aaron, head of Student Life at New Life, asked Sommer if she would help with the Halloween festivities this year.  She said yes and asked if I wanted to help her.  I thought it sounded fun.

They were doing a murder mystery of some sort and people were having to dress up and do some crazy things around Morton.

Sommer and I lucked out.  Our job was to sit around a campfire cooking S'mores (or however it is spelled) and running the games as our station....also it was dark and we were at a campfire so we also took it upon ourselves to kiss whenever we could.....to stay in character of course.

We took this picture by the light of our campfire

The youths would show up and have to complete a challenge to get the next clue.  The funniest challenge was always having to give us piggy back rides.

They always wanted to have to give Sommer a ride and not me so much....one guy tried and failed.  Kids....

We did have a discussion on October 31st-ish in which I told Sommer that "I think I might be starting to fall in love with you."

That would basically be the dam breaker that lowered our shields and made us both start to realize how much the other person really meant to us.

So October....building the relationship...piggyback rides....professions of true and abiding love coming soon!

Up next: November, the Cissna Trip

Sommer's Time! - Her Perspective

Guest Post time!!  Well, is Sommer really a guest?  Don't know.  Just a thought, if you would like to do a guest post on here, please feel free to get in touch with me.  One caveat, it kinda has to be about me and Som.....or at least me.....or Som......Could be fun to get other people's perspectives on here.

Hey everyone, it’s Sommer. I thought it would be a good time to make a guest appearance on Jonathan’s blog, since it’s kind of my blog too. I do make up half of the title. (J- We need to work on the title of our blog. Surely we've got something a little more creative in us than our names.) (Ed. Note: Names are hard!  Our kids might go nameless till their fifth birthday)

I never thought I’d have a blog. I’m really not much of a writer and definitely not much of a “share my feelings with the world” kind of person. When my mom found out Jonathan was writing this blog (hi mom!) she said she couldn't believe I was “letting” him do it because I tend to be a pretty private person. I think my response was something along the lines of “well, he’s not private.” 

And so begins life-long journey of learning how to compromise! Also, Jonathan told me when we first started dating that he would probably embarrass me about 2.5 million times over the course of our lives together. I figure this will at least get me to that number a little more quickly.

***

Sommer's Post Comments (Ed. Note: I recommend re-reading each post then reading Sommer's comments.  I have helpfully included a hyperlink (hyperlink?  How 2003!!) to each post.  Also, because I'm an awesome guy, each link will open the post in a new window or tab. It is pretty crazy how nice I am to you people. Why do I recommend re-reading each post?  To get my page views up of course!  Only 250,000ish more views and I can start selling ads, baby!!)

***

Preamble – My only comment on this post is that I love the Black Eyed Peas reference. Oh, and the fact that you had to tell me it was a Black Eyed Peas reference. Thanks babe!

Prologue – I really did help Gabrielle and Jonathan move into Jonathan’s house. Isn't that crazy? I remember seeing Jonathan and noticing that he did not seem very happy. I don’t think he smiled the whole time I was there. We’ll just blame it on the stress of a moving day because now I know that he smiles a lot. Thank goodness our second meeting went about a thousand times better than our first sighting. (Ed. Note: I was watching all the stuff come out of a small apartment and fill my house and had visions of Hoarders running through my head.)

First Date – I made you wait a whole 2 days! That’s really not very long if you think about it. I have a life, a job, friends…maybe I was busy and didn't get your message until the next day. Plus, this was my last two weeks of eHarmony and I honestly was looking forward to my subscription expiring. I put myself out there, I tried it, and I was ready for a break.

First Date...for Realsies – Good job with the 8/27 date although I’m going to tell everyone that you only know the date because I wrote it down on my calendar and told you what it was later. Just keepin’ it real!

I laughed out loud at the “six miles while carrying puppies that were rescued from a burning building” comment. It still makes me laugh. I can totally see you saying that, even though you didn't know me well enough that day to actually say it to me. Although in hindsight, you should have because I would have swooned for realsies 

I still can’t believe I was the one who suggested we continue our walk. That is so not like me! Normally I consider a first date to be decent if I don’t look at my watch at all during the first hour. It’s a really good date if I make it to nine o’clock without thinking “have I stayed long enough to make this a respectable date and can I go home now ?”. I don’t even think I had a watch on me and I probably would have kept walking if I hadn't been getting blisters. It was that good of a first date …and we only talked about nerdy accounting stuff for probably one mile.....maybe two.

September – All I can say about September is that Jonathan was right, my September would have completely stunk if I hadn't met him. Every time I talked to him, I felt like the bearer of more bad news. I still can’t believe he volunteered to come over and walk Cooper with me so that he could listen to me talk about a variety of fun topics: Rangers, Afghanistan, military books I had read, hospice, death, funerals, my grandpa, and the very exciting (not really) work trip to Ministry Development. It was good for me to see very early on that he didn't shy away from tough situations and all the walking and talking really gave us a chance to get to know each other on a deeper level. Fortunately, we've been able to do a lot of walking and talking since September and have had much more fun and light-hearted topics to discuss!

My dad gave me this comic that sums it all up from Cooper’s perspective:

This really is a perfect comic for us

So it’s a win-win-win!

(Ed. Note: Love you, Sommer!  Sexiest guest writer ever!!)

September

Sommer and I met on August 27th.  Doing simple math, or calendar reading, this means our first full month getting to know each other was the grand month of September.

September was.....interesting.

On Sommer's side, her brother, Walker, who is a U.S. Ranger (Rangers Lead the Way), shipped off to Aphgan....Afgahn....Afghanisto...far away.

Lt. Walker Bauer: Far Right.
Not Pictured: Bad Guys who don't stand a chance

Also, Sommer's awesome grandfather, Andy Bauer, who I sadly will not get to meet on this earth, passed away.

Sommer (in her announcement that her Grandfather had passed): "Heaven gained an extraordinary man on Saturday [9/22/12]"

As for me, I went on the Stupendous Ben-Ezra-Gardner-Worent Camping Trip of 2012

Can Gabrielle and Jonathan W. stop kissing?  Ever?  Seth's Funny Face is rather judgmental.....Also, I am so friggin' tan!!

I also went to Lambeau Field to watch the super amazing 49ers defeat the Packers for the first of two times this season and post-season.

Me at Lambeau with my $5 shades....such a stud...even straight men hit on me sometimes...

Not to sound incredibly arrogant, but if Sommer hadn't met me, her September would have been pretty darn sucky.

Mine was pretty sweet though.

Since there was so much going on, we never had a chance to make grandiose plans, and instead had to content ourselves with going on more walks, sometimes with Cooper, sometimes without.

Cooper not barking

This actually turned out to be a good thing, I think all of our time spent just talking and walking laid a fantastic foundation for the relationship that would follow.  A couple stories from September:

***Jonathan Proves He is Not Suave***

So I told Sommer that I am not a suave person, then proceeded to do my best to prove this to her.  We went for a walk at the riverfront and I really wanted to *gasp* hold her hand.  Pretty exotic and out there right?!

So instead of suavely just grabbing her hand and being all cool I went for the "other" method of asking her if I could hold her hand like an 8-year old on a play date.  This could be taken as gentlemanly....hopefully, but I did set the standard of letting her know that I would be talking to her before I did anything new.  I think she appreciated this when.....well......that is later in the story........

***First Movie (alternate title: Sommer Almost Loses Her Hand)***

First movie, I let Sommer pick.  She picks a safe movie, The Odd Life of Timothy Green.  It was cute.

This was the night that I learned a very important fact about Sommer, she doesn't mind being late. Previews are overrated anyway. I also learned that we can have incredibly awkward moments just as if we were still in junior high.

As we sat and watched the movie I kept wanting to hold her hand.  She had it resting on her leg.  It seemed like she was offering it to me, but maybe she just sat and watched movies with her hand resting on her leg like that?

Side note:  Every time I type out the word "just", I type "jsut" and have to fix it.....EVERY TIME!!!!!  LEARN TO TYPE JONATHAN!!!!

I eventually reached out towards her hand and was gratified that she reached back immediately, as if she had been waiting for me.  It was very sweet.  Unfortunately we ended up with my hand on top of hers and her hand being pressed (or crushed) into the hard plastic edge of the cup holder.

Now, if you had been dating a while it is a simple matter for Sommer to whisper, "ha ha, I need to adjust (doggone it! I just typed adjsut!) my hand" or for me to whisper "hey, do you need to fix your hand so you aren't cutting off circulation?"

Instead we had an awkward time as I wondered how Sommer's hand was doing and she wondered how long she could handle the pain.

She was a trooper and made it a decent while before whispering that she needed her hand back, which I totes understood, yo.  Totes...

As we left the theatre (how fancy!  theatre!) she quickly grabbed my hand, kinda to let me know that she didn't pull her hand back for any reason except out of fear of losing it due to blood loss.

***The Pumpkin Fest***

I ran my first official 10k in September.  September 15th to be precise, just about one week after the 49ers defeated the Packers in their opening game.

The Running Team.  I swear I meant to smile, Ross just snapped the picture when I wasn't ready.  Also, Bock didn't run, using his kids as an excuse.  Lame.  Also, I didn't get a cool shirt cause I was late to the the team, it is pure luck that my blue shirt is the same shade as the ones Amy had made

Sommer had said she would try to meet me at the finish line.  Bear in mind that this is the 4th-ish time seeing her and I would be rather sweaty from running 6.3 miles.

Sidenote:  For my first 10k, I was very proud of my time.

The meeting was as awkward (I've used that word a ton in this post, seriously, I'm so not suave) as you might think it was.  Beth and Sarah were there as well (I know Beth from New Life) and since Beth is almost as much an extrovert as Gabrielle we were able to push through the moment and Sommer and I agreed to meet up later.

Sommer and I had a delightful time wandering the rather boring Pumpkin Fest later that afternoon.  Not super delightful really, but it was ok.

The fun would be later that night when we met up at Sarah's house to sit around a fire and chat.

Merely a generic campfire picture I added for flavor....but check out the tool who isn't wearing a shirt.  He is all like "I'm at a campfire and I'm not wearing a shirt!"  I hope he burned his nipples off.  Nipple-less tool........This is the type of writing that you can't find anywhere else...except every other blog on the internet

It was that night, sitting around the fire, talking about embarrassing moments (I told my butt surgery story...for realz), when I first thought to myself that there might just be something here with this Sommer chick.....

Also, she was (and still is) freakin' hot....

Up Next: "October" or "When Jonathan and Sommer Get Serious While Getting Piggy Back Rides from New Life Youth"