If I Weep

Today is the 10th anniversary of my Mom's death. We say things like "passing away" or "going home" to make it sound better, but death is death and it really sucks. Not for Mom of course. Right now, at this very moment, she is in the presence of her God with no more tears or pain. It sucks for me, it sucks for my family, it is awful for my dad, and it really really stinks that so many people never got to meet her. 

I genuinely feel badly for those people who never got to meet my mom. I know what an incredible person she was, and still is, and what a loss it was when she died. 

I sometimes picture her talking with my mother-in-law Sheri and chuckle. Those two could talk it up for hours. We would probably let them start and have to get out of the way, maybe they would notice if we all left the room....maybe. 

I think of Walker and Jonathan, my newest brother-in-laws who never got to meet her, I can guarantee they would love her. She was a little crazy so she would get along great with Walker, and she would love to see how Jonathan cares for her daughter, Gabrielle. 

Nieces and nephews, an entire church family and amazing friends in Illinois who have never been blessed by her laugh. 

I try to be selfless in this, but to be honest, I feel worst for myself. I didn't get to have my mother at my wedding, I never got to see Sommer meet Mom for the first time, see Mom and Dad walking hand-in-hand one last time.

One day. I know. One day. But it feels so far away sometimes. 

I love to tell Sommer stories about my Mom, she says my eyes light up when I talk about her. I love remembering when she would pick us up from school in that beat up old station wagon...decorated with streamers and balloons. She wanted to have a party so she decided to have one. 

The marshmallow fights, corn on the cob duels that raged through the house, the indoor water gun battles - all these she either instigated or allowed....mostly when Dad was out of course. 

She injured herself climbing trees barefoot, stepping on metal croquet spikes, and other crazy ways of hurting yourself.

She was so proud of us kids. So proud. She loved Dad so much. 

A few days after Mom died I was in a Country Fair and some guy was talking about his wife in not a good way. I wanted to punch him.

One of the things I'm so happy about is that the last time I spoke to her I told her I loved her. It was on the phone less than 24 hours before she would die. I tell so many people I love them now, they need to hear it and you might never have that chance again. 

The last place I saw her was in New Jersey at Grandpa's house. That is something that makes me think...New Jersey? Really? But Grandpa's house is definitely a place of happiness so that is ok. 

At her funeral I read the lyrics from a POD song, Full Color. I told a funny story to start off then I started reading. I was crying before I finished the first line.

 I cry why O' why did my mommy have to die?

Too many questions, no answers confuses my mind
Like what did I do, what did she do, who's to blame
No one understands what I'm going through
So how can I trust what I can't touch and can't see
Believe in love and she's in front of me
Silence in your eyes, my heart so cold
No time for goodbyes, then you leave me alone

So what do I do accept it and carry on?
Or release my anger, until it's gone
Show you and this world exactly how I feel, death in full color
It's never been so real, It's been me and you, It's always been me and you
No matter what we faced, we always made it through
Get out of this dream, do what I gotta do
No one can take your place and I don't want them to
If I could take your place, I would, I would take your pain
Just to see you smile and say my name,
Just to hear you laugh and hear you cry
I don't understand, I don't know why

I've never been it this state of mind, life just don't make sense
With you I could move mountains, right now I'm helpless
I guess, you always knew what was best
Believed in your God, til the very last breath
You showed me how strong you can be
If Jesus saved your life, could he do it for me?
I'll lay down my life for you and for Him
Believe God's promise, I'm gonna see you again

Lord here I am, but I am no one, Believe in Your name
Believe in your Son, if you meet me here I will wait on you
Sacrifice and serve, do what you want me to
I'll take it day by day, and sit at your feet
You are strong when I am weak
I seek to keep from going under
Until I hold you again, I'll always wonder

Oh God,

Why did my mommy have to Die?

When I was done I could barely see. I grabbed at my papers and managed to snag them. I turned, wondering how I would navigate the steps. Suddenly Dad was there holding me. He is always there, by the way. I am so blessed. So  blessed. 

He held me, in front of all those people as I sobbed. I didn't care who saw. I let out all my grief in that moment. 

I read once that joy when shared is multiplied and increased, and sorrow, when shared, is divided and diminished. I truly believe that. 

I remember standing with Dad and Seth at the church entrance greeting all the people coming in for the funeral. Dad offering comfort and encouragement to all coming in. Mario Gatti started sobbing and Dad went and consoled him. 

Denise Fair started playing "If I Stand" by Rich Mullins.  Mom always loved Rich Mullins. Reality hit once again. Dad started crying. It was time to sit down. No more comfort could he give, it was time to receive. Until, of course, his children needed him. I am so so blessed. 

I miss my Mom. I really do. Sometimes I miss her so much that it hurts. There is a hole in my life that will never be filled here on earth.

But.....

One day......one day......